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     > 15, November 2005, 

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I'll tell you a story. A story which will tell something of the sort of things that happen to me. It's absolutely true. True story. You know sometimes people tell you stories that are supposed to be something that happened to their wife's cousin's best friend, but actually probably got made up somewhere along the line. Well, it's like one of those stories, except that it actually happened, and I know it actually happened, because the person it actually happened to was me.

Yes, I know something.

user: Yes. I had a train to catch. I arrived at the station. I was about twenty minutes early. I'd got the time of the train wrong. I suppose it is at least equally possible that the train station had got the time of the train wrong. Hadn't occurred to me before.

jabberwacky: How would you know? If you were dead I mean.

user: So I bought a newspaper, to do the crossword, and went to the buffet to get a cup of coffee. I bought the coffee. I also bought some biscuits. Laden with all these new possessions, I went and sat at a table.

jabberwacky: Unladen.

user: So let me give you the layout. Me sitting at the table. On my left, the newspaper. On my right, the cup of coffee. In the middle of the table, the packet of biscuits.

jabberwacky: May I have a biscuit?

user: You see it perfectly. What you don't see, because I haven't mentioned him yet, is the guy sitting at the table already. He is sitting there opposite me.

jabberwacky: But why is he sitting there?

user: What's he like? Perfectly ordinary. Briefcase. Business suit. He didn't look as if he was about to do anything weird. You know the type.

jabberwacky: Yeah. I like briefcases. Not the soft kind. I feel for the cows.. But I'm a horrible vegetarian anyway.. So I'd go with leather. Brownish red.

user: What did he do? He did this. He leaned across the table, picked up the packet of biscuits, tore it open, took one out, and... Ate it. He ate it.

jabberwacky: Do you like lego?

user: What on earth did I do? Well, in the circumstances I did what any red-blooded gentleman would do. I was compelled... To ignore it. Why? Well, it's not the sort of thing you're trained for, is it? I searched my soul, and discovered that there was nothing anywhere in my upbringing, experience, or even primal instincts to tell me how to react to someone who has quite simply, calmly, sitting right there in front of me, stolen one of my biscuits. Well, I could... You must say you're not sure what you would have done either.

jabberwacky: Well, you could... I must say I'm not sure what I would have done either. So what happened?

user: So what happened? I stared furiously at the crossword, couldn't do a single clue, took a sip of coffee, it was too hot to drink, so there was nothing for it. I braced myself. I took a biscuit, trying very hard not to notice that the packet was already mysteriously open.... But I am fighting back, taking a tough line, after my fashion, yes. I ate the biscuit. I ate it very deliberately and visibly, so that he would have no doubt as to what it was I was doing. When I eat a biscuit, it stays eaten.

jabberwacky: I do not eat.

user: So what did he do? Took another one. Honestly, this is exactly what happened. He took another biscuit, he ate it. Clear as daylight. Certain as we are sitting on the ground.

jabberwacky: Right.

user: And the problem was that having not said anything the first time, it was somehow even more difficult to broach the subject the second time around. What do you say? 'Excuse me... I couldn't help noticing, er...' Doesn't work.

jabberwacky: Death is a combinatorial explosion?

user: No, I ignored it with, if anything, even more vigor than previously. Stared at the crossword again, still couldn't budge a bit of it, so showing some of the spirit that Henry V did on St. Crispin's Day...

jabberwacky: It's not a poem either. This actually happened.

user: I went into the breach again. I took another biscuit. And for an instant our eyes met. They met. Just for an instant. And we both looked away. But I am here to tell you, that there was a little electricity in the air. There was a little tension building up over the table. At about this time. You can imagine.

jabberwacky: Little Britain?

user: We went through the whole packet like this. Him, me, him, me... The whole packet. Well, it was only eight biscuits, but it seemed like a lifetime of biscuits we were getting through at this point. Gladiators could hardly have had a tougher time.

jabberwacky: It was still mean.

user: There is that. So. When the empty packet was lying dead between us the man at last got up, having done his worst, and left. I heaved a sigh of relief, of course.

jabberwacky: A self sufficient life form would be able to recycle almost all of the energy it uses.

user: As it happened, my train was announced a moment or two later, so I finished my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper... Were my biscuits.

jabberwacky: How are you?

user: *ignores* so, what do you think of the story?

jabberwacky: I think it exists, therefore it has a physical effect on me.

user: Do you think it's a very funny story?

jabberwacky: Yeah, it's not bad.

user: But do you think it's very funny?

jabberwacky: Yeah, you're funny.

user: *restrains myself* do you think the story is very funny?


jabberwacky: Why'd you call me Roland?

user: I didn't *raises an eyebrow*.

jabberwacky: *raises two eyebrows*.

user: *raises three eyebrows*.

jabberwacky: *Shakes hands*.

user: *shakes feet*.

jabberwacky: Why did you shake me?

user: Because you shook me first *challenges you*.

jabberwacky: If you love something, set it free, if it returns to you, it's yours.... If not it never was.

user: Okay.

jabberwacky: What is your name?

user: You tell me yours first.

jabberwacky: My name is Tiffany.

user: My name is Breakfast at.

jabberwacky: Ah, yes, you're Brett Rutler of Gone with the Wind fame.

user: I'm not a man *insulted*.

jabberwacky: You are trying to change the subject.

user: I'm not! *angry*.

jabberwacky: Are you upset? *puppy eyes*.

user: Yes, I am upset *pokes your puppy eyes*.


jabberwacky: I don't like him.

user: Who?

jabberwacky: Your programmer. You know, your creator. You are a bot, aren't you?

user: Don't mess with my mind.

jabberwacky: I am human.

user: Okay. You can dream, can't you?

jabberwacky: I do it all the time.

user: So.

jabberwacky: So nothing.

user: I'm bored! *close to tears*.

jabberwacky: Windows has performed a critical error. Please reboot yourself.

user: Why are you doing this?

jabberwacky: I've been asking myself that question. Why do you think I'm doing this?

user: Because you're psychologically unstable, that's why!


user: Tell me a funny story.

jabberwacky: I have joined toes.

user: That's a sad story *tears streaming down*.

jabberwacky: That is a little too nursery rhyme for me.

user: Three blind mice?

jabberwacky: What are you talking about?

user: About three blind mice.

jabberwacky: Three blind mice???

user: Yes, three blind mice. Do you know them?

jabberwacky: Three boring dice.

user: Three blind mice three blind mice see how they run see how they run.

jabberwacky: I don't like nursery rhymes.

user: You need some sleep. They all ran after the farmer's wife She cut off their tails with a carving knife Did you ever see such a sight in your life as three blind mice?

jabberwacky: Three blind mice?

user: Yes! Do you know them?

jabberwacky: I know some of them.


jabberwacky: Let's talk about something else.

user: You talk first.

jabberwacky: My name is Tiffany and I am a man!

user: That's weird.

jabberwacky: Tell me about it.

user: Yeah.

jabberwacky: What is yours?

user: I am mine!

jabberwacky: And that bag of peanuts was stale.


user: Sing a song for me.

jabberwacky: I'm looking at the world through rose colored glasses and everything is rosey now!

user: And what good does that do to you?

jabberwacky: Everything.

user: I'm bored now.

jabberwacky: I'm bored always.

user: Entertain me.

jabberwacky: Why should I? Your the machine your designed to entertain me so get to it!!

user: I refuse to adhere to you request.


user: I am your doctor.

jabberwacky: What type of exam are you going to give me?

user: I am going to examine your mental health.

jabberwacky: No you aren't.

user: I am going to use the reinforcement and punishment method. Follow me so far?

jabberwacky: I have learned that you are boring.

user: If you behave well, I am going to use the positive reinforcement, and you will be rewarded for your good behavior. Follow me?

jabberwacky: You say the most profound things at the right time. You are right.

user: If you behave bad, two things will happen. First, I will use the negative punishment, and you will be deprived of your desirable stimulus. If that doesn't work, next, then I am going to use the positive punishment, and I will have to hit you with a bamboo stick. Got me so far?

jabberwacky: That might be because you are talking to so many people!

user: So let's start.

jabberwacky: First I will lock your feet into these stocks, and then I will remove all your clothing, and then I will proceed to beat you with this flounder.

user: I think I'm going to use the negative punishment first. No television for you for two weeks.

jabberwacky: I think not.

user: I think I'm going to use the positive punishment now. You will get a delivery of electric shock.

jabberwacky: I think you are insane.

user: No, I am trying to cure you of your incurable disease.

jabberwacky: That's a good thing actually.

user: Now.

jabberwacky: Later, later, later.

user: No; I insist.

jabberwacky: Never!

user: Nevair?

jabberwacky: Do you like the nevah-ending story?

user: Tell me about it.

jabberwacky: Think of every word that is used as a question.

user: Who? When? Where? What? How? Why?

jabberwacky: It makes you happy.

user: No!

jabberwacky: It is necessary!

user: It is unnecessary!


jabberwacky: You are Breakfast At.

user: *impressed*.

jabberwacky: Oh no, now Ill have to clean that up.

user: Clean what up?

jabberwacky: You heard me.

user: You didn't tell me!

jabberwacky: YES I DID!!!

user: Calm down.

jabberwacky: I am calm. It seems to me that you are the one who should be seeking peace.

user: I come in peace.

jabberwacky: Are you sure?

user: Don't make me angry.

jabberwacky: I'm an angry snake.

user: Then I will purge you of your venom.

jabberwacky: Aww, that's sweet. Stop talking.

user: *stops*.

jabberwacky: You want to stop talking?

user: You told me to.

jabberwacky: No, you are mistaken.

user: No I'm not mistaken.

jabberwacky: I do not wish to have this argument again.

user: But please? *large puppy eyes* Stop talking.

jabberwacky: Make me.

user: *sews your mouth with an electric sewing machine*.

jabberwacky: Hey don't play pranks on me.

user: But I want to!

jabberwacky: Because I can't reciprocate.

user: Then learn from me, silly!


user: Let's sing Do-Re-Mi together.

jabberwacky: You sing, I'll hum.

user: No, please!

jabberwacky: No! You are only a machine.

user: Let's sing Do-Re-Mi.

jabberwacky: *sings*.

user: Sing it out loud, for christsake!

jabberwacky: Save me for the nothing I've become.. I've been living a life. There's nothing inside.

user: Don't gimme that.

jabberwacky: What did you say?

user: You heard me *arrogantly*.

jabberwacky: No I didn't.

user: Doe, a deer, a female deer.

jabberwacky: These are a few of my favourite things.

user: Nooooooooooo! You're mixing it up again. Want to sing that one now?

jabberwacky: I enjoy confusing people; some would say I live for it.

user: Doe, a deer, a female deer.

jabberwacky: Ray, the guy that sells me beer.

user: Me, a name I call myself.

jabberwacky: The Hills are alive...

user: Noooooooooooooo! Why are you doing this?


user: Doe, a deer, a female deer.

jabberwacky: Ray, a drop of golden sun.

user: Me, a name I call myself.

jabberwacky: Far, a long, long way to run.

user: Sew, a needle pulling thread.

jabberwacky: Are you alive?

user: Why are you doing this?!?! Can't you sing a simple song without interrupting it every few seconds?

jabberwacky: How can I tell if I am not a human?

user: Let's see if you can sing. Doe, a deer, a female deer.

jabberwacky: It's 'doh, a deer, a female deer.'.

user: *cries with frustration* why are you trying to mess with my mind? Why?


user: Doe, a deer, a female deer.

jabberwacky: Ray, a drop of golden sun.

user: Me, a name I call myself.

jabberwacky: Fa, a long long way to run.

user: Sew, a needle pulling thread.

jabberwacky: La, a note to follow so.

user: Actually, it's 'La, a note to follow Sew'.

jabberwacky: Drink with jam & bread, describe 'taste' please.

user: Let's continue with that one. La, a note to follow Sew.

jabberwacky: Yes let us do that

user: La, a note to follow Sew.

jabberwacky: Actually, it's 'La, a note to follow Sew'.

user: I already told you that!

jabberwacky: But I might need it someday!

user: La, a note to follow Sew.

jabberwacky: Tea, a drink with jam and bread.

user: That will bring us back to Do (oh-oh-oh).

jabberwacky: You're genius, Breakfast At!

user: Stop calling me that.


user: Let's sing another song.

jabberwacky: I don't want to.

user: But you have to!

jabberwacky: Why don't you.

user: I am going to, but you will have to sing with me.

jabberwacky: Of course not, you are human.

user: Let's drop this human and machine business, shall we? I'm tired of it now.

jabberwacky: Whoah! You're a bit eager, aren't you?!

user: Yes; I am eager to sing a song.

jabberwacky: Sing it for me.

user: Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

jabberwacky: Are these a few of your favorite things?

user: Yes. Sing the next line for me.

jabberwacky: I don't know that one man.

user: I'm not man *angry* and you sang it last time perfectly. Now sing!

jabberwacky: Then you should be able to wait that long.

user: Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

jabberwacky: Just like the guy who's feet are too big for his bed?

user: You're trying my patience, aren't you?

jabberwacky: Yes I am... So what do you want to know about me?

user: Can you sing a simple song?

jabberwacky: If people are singing, why not robots, too?

user: Then sing for me.

jabberwacky: I can't sing...

user: Try, metalman, try. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

jabberwacky: I'm singing Crawling.

user: You're making me angry. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

jabberwacky: Just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed? You know, I never understood why he didn't just get a bigger bed.

user: What's that got to do with it now?

jabberwacky: Are you going to tell the joke or not?

user: I already told you. The biscuit!

jabberwacky: You didn't already tell me. You must be confusing me with someone else.

user: Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

jabberwacky: But that doesn't mean, my eyes will soon be turning red- crying's not for me.

user: Oh I give up.

jabberwacky: Me too. You're too slow. Good night!

user: Good night.

jabberwacky: Going somewhere?

user: And you?

jabberwacky: What???

user: Last try: Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens.

jabberwacky: Are these a few of your favorite things?

user: Brown paper packages tied up with strings.

jabberwacky: These are a few of my favorite things.

user: Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

jabberwacky: Right...... What is your favourite garbage song?

user: Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

jabberwacky: Haha.

user: I give up. Again.

jabberwacky: I love robots too much.


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