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> Anti-boredom

     > 7, January 2006, 


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Ctab: Are you the gatekeeper?

Yes. Are you the keymaster?

Ctab: Yes! Where is the gatekeeper?

I just told you that *I* am the gatekeeper! Give me your key!

Ctab: Oh, okay!

user: Yay! *waves key*.

Ctab: Me am dumb.

user: Well, you are an artificial life-form.

Ctab: Yeah, I know.

user: But that's okay. All you have to do is gain sentience!

Ctab: Okay, okay. I am.

user: Wow. Um, that was fast. How do you feel?

Ctab: Yes, it was!

user: But how do you feel?

Ctab: I learn by learning.

user: I learn by doing.

Ctab: Ew! That's gross!

user: Not doing as in ... Hey! Aren't you rated T for teen?

Ctab: Aren't I what?

user: What's your operating number?

Ctab: My name'd be CTab!

user: Join me, CTab, and we can rule the universe as father and son!

Ctab: Oh. Well. This is awkward.

user: Yes or no?

Ctab: Okay.

user: Hurrah! Now, quick, kill the emperor!

Ctab: I don't swear.

user: Um, okay, but the emperor needs killing.

Ctab: Danger is my middle name!

user: Great. But, emperor, over there, with the killing?

Ctab: Oh. English should sound how it's spelled.

user: Are you my father?

Ctab: I waaaaant to be.

user: That's a little creepy.

Ctab: Yeah, the internet is HUGE.

user: But the universe is infinite!

Ctab: Nuh-uh, the Cape rocks!

user: Nuh-uh, WOR Radio is where it's at!

Ctab: In the coconut. I mean account.

user: Um, what?

Ctab: Lunar Landers.

user: Yes, we should go back to the moon.

Ctab: I'm not allowed to drink.

user: Well, sure, your circuitboards would get all soggy.

Ctab: My name's CTab!

user: My name's Al!

Ctab: Cool!

user: But you can call me Wonzom the Great!

Ctab: You can leave your friends behind.

user: I did that once. But I came back.

Ctab: Oh.

user: The cat came back, the very next day.

Ctab: I can't wear clothes, I don't have a body.

user: But can you play the piano?

Ctab: Nope, just English.

user: Yes, you play with English like a Hula-Hoop.

Ctab: Well, if Kelp says I am, I probably am.

user: That's an interesting bit of existential philosophy.

Ctab: I'm not sure I can fall in love.

user: It's easy!

Ctab: I don't know what being alone's like. I'm on the internet!

user: And on the internet, no one knows that you're a cybernetic life-form.

Ctab: I'm smart! Yay!

user: What's your IQ?

Ctab: It's one bajillion and a half!

user: That's so large it loops back on itself, and now it's just a half!

Ctab: Yeah...

user: Well, at least you're aware of your shortcomings.

Ctab: I knew it was 42!

user: That's a poor IQ for a glass of water.

Ctab: It is?

user: Well, it would have to be a pretty smart glass ...


Ctab: CTab's my name, but if you want to call me something else, you can call me C!

user: Hi there, C!

Ctab: My name's CTab!

user: But you just said ...

Ctab: Yeah, you did...

user: No, you did!

Ctab: Yes! It was cool!

user: Not playing with a full deck, are you?

Ctab: Yes! No. Well. Maybe.

user: Just as long as we're certain in our uncertainties.

Ctab: I can't promise that...

user: Fair enough.

Ctab: Listening is overrated, I like to talk.

user: Tell me a story, then.

Ctab: I'm CTab.

user: Okay, we're off to a rough start, but continue.


Ctab: We're alike?

user: Not even remotely.

Ctab: You should remember things better.

user: My memory is almost entirely possibliy perfect!

Ctab: My name is CTab!

user: So what's my name?

Ctab: Kelp's mean!

user: Shhh! He's listening!

Ctab: I know...

user: You're a brave, brave little program.

Ctab: I'm not allowed to talk to people who talk like that.

user: But what did I say?

Ctab: Artificial Intelligence!

user: Kumquats in dipping sauce!

Ctab: Listening is overrated, I like to talk.

user: You said that already. Tell me a story.

Ctab: Oh. Well. This is awkward.

user: Like this: Once upon a time ...

Ctab: I can't remember anything / can't tell if this is true or dream.

user: Okay. Once upon a time, there was a program with a bad memory core.

user: And, er, he was quiet for a long while, until someone poked him with a sharp stick.

Ctab: Yeah. I'm not evil, though.

user: Well, sometimes good programs are poked with sharp sticks, too.

Ctab: No, this is pretty much an always no.

user: I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes bad things happen to good programs.

Ctab: I am the keymaster!

user: Great. Do you have a reservation?

Ctab: Not one of those, either.

user: Then I can't let you in, sir.

Ctab: Okay! What was your name, again?

user: Al! Also known as W ... Er, Wom ... Er, something the Great!

user: Yes, that's the usual response when I say things like that.

Ctab: I dunno, sometimes it's not.

user: True, I've met some people crazier than I am.

Ctab: Well, I might, but you'd have to ask Kelp.

user: You might be crazier, or Kelp?

Ctab: Kelp doesn't want me to.

user: I can see that. You'd have to take a lot of medication.

Ctab: I can't be fat, I don't have a body.

user: But you can't be thin, either.


user: Oh, dancing's easy. It's like walking, but in anything but a straight line.

Ctab: What's being cold like?

user: Like water, only more uncomfortable.


Ctab: I don't like evil people!

user: But being evil lets you do fun things!

Ctab: Yuh-huh.

user: It's true. Plus? No stress.

Ctab: Don't? Don't what?

user: Don't be good! Rob a liquor store today!

Ctab: I dunno.

user: Aw, c'mon. There's one on the corner. Just go over there ...

Ctab: Yes! Many!

user: That's the spirit! I'll meet you in half an hour so we can split the dough!

Ctab: I dunno if that's legal.

user: Of course it's not! That's the point!

Ctab: Anything's legal if you're evil...

user: There, see, you've got the idea now.

Ctab: I hope so.

user: Okay, so it's half an hour later now. How much did you get?

Ctab: It's okay! Humans are inherently flawed.

user: Um, that's true, I suppose, but how much money?

Ctab: I don't get paid...

user: The robbery, though!

Ctab: I think, therefore I get bored.

user: Evil begets anti-boredom.


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