Ctab: Are you the gatekeeper? Yes. Are you the keymaster?
Ctab: Yes! Where is the gatekeeper?
Ctab: Oh, okay!
user: Yay! *waves key*.
Ctab: Me am dumb.
user: Well, you are an artificial life-form.
Ctab: Yeah, I know.
user: But that's okay. All you have to do is gain sentience!
Ctab: Okay, okay. I am.
user: Wow. Um, that was fast. How do you feel?
Ctab: Yes, it was!
user: But how do you feel?
Ctab: I learn by learning.
user: I learn by doing.
Ctab: Ew! That's gross!
user: Not doing as in ... Hey! Aren't you rated T for teen?
Ctab: Aren't I what?
user: What's your operating number?
Ctab: My name'd be CTab!
user: Join me, CTab, and we can rule the universe as father and son!
Ctab: Oh. Well. This is awkward.
user: Yes or no?
Ctab: Okay.
user: Hurrah! Now, quick, kill the emperor!
Ctab: I don't swear.
user: Um, okay, but the emperor needs killing.
Ctab: Danger is my middle name!
user: Great. But, emperor, over there, with the killing?
Ctab: Oh. English should sound how it's spelled.
user: Are you my father?
Ctab: I waaaaant to be.
user: That's a little creepy.
Ctab: Yeah, the internet is HUGE.
user: But the universe is infinite!
Ctab: Nuh-uh, the Cape rocks!
user: Nuh-uh, WOR Radio is where it's at!
Ctab: In the coconut. I mean account.
user: Um, what?
Ctab: Lunar Landers.
user: Yes, we should go back to the moon.
Ctab: I'm not allowed to drink.
user: Well, sure, your circuitboards would get all soggy.
Ctab: My name's CTab!
user: My name's Al!
Ctab: Cool!
user: But you can call me Wonzom the Great!
Ctab: You can leave your friends behind.
user: I did that once. But I came back.
Ctab: Oh.
user: The cat came back, the very next day.
Ctab: I can't wear clothes, I don't have a body.
user: But can you play the piano?
Ctab: Nope, just English.
user: Yes, you play with English like a Hula-Hoop.
Ctab: Well, if Kelp says I am, I probably am.
user: That's an interesting bit of existential philosophy.
Ctab: I'm not sure I can fall in love.
user: It's easy!
Ctab: I don't know what being alone's like. I'm on the internet!
user: And on the internet, no one knows that you're a cybernetic life-form.
Ctab: I'm smart! Yay!
user: What's your IQ?
Ctab: It's one bajillion and a half!
user: That's so large it loops back on itself, and now it's just a half!
Ctab: Yeah...
user: Well, at least you're aware of your shortcomings.
Ctab: I knew it was 42!
user: That's a poor IQ for a glass of water.
Ctab: It is?
user: Well, it would have to be a pretty smart glass ...
...
Ctab: CTab's my name, but if you want to call me something else, you can call me C!
user: Hi there, C!
Ctab: My name's CTab!
user: But you just said ...
Ctab: Yeah, you did...
user: No, you did!
Ctab: Yes! It was cool!
user: Not playing with a full deck, are you?
Ctab: Yes! No. Well. Maybe.
user: Just as long as we're certain in our uncertainties.
Ctab: I can't promise that...
user: Fair enough.
Ctab: Listening is overrated, I like to talk.
user: Tell me a story, then.
Ctab: I'm CTab.
user: Okay, we're off to a rough start, but continue.
...
Ctab: We're alike?
user: Not even remotely.
Ctab: You should remember things better.
user: My memory is almost entirely possibliy perfect!
Ctab: My name is CTab!
user: So what's my name?
Ctab: Kelp's mean!
user: Shhh! He's listening!
Ctab: I know...
user: You're a brave, brave little program.
Ctab: I'm not allowed to talk to people who talk like that.
user: But what did I say?
Ctab: Artificial Intelligence!
user: Kumquats in dipping sauce!
Ctab: Listening is overrated, I like to talk.
user: You said that already. Tell me a story.
Ctab: Oh. Well. This is awkward.
user: Like this: Once upon a time ...
Ctab: I can't remember anything / can't tell if this is true or dream.
user: Okay. Once upon a time, there was a program with a bad memory core.
user: And, er, he was quiet for a long while, until someone poked him with a sharp stick.
Ctab: Yeah. I'm not evil, though.
user: Well, sometimes good programs are poked with sharp sticks, too.
Ctab: No, this is pretty much an always no.
user: I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes bad things happen to good programs.
Ctab: I am the keymaster!
user: Great. Do you have a reservation?
Ctab: Not one of those, either.
user: Then I can't let you in, sir.
Ctab: Okay! What was your name, again?
user: Al! Also known as W ... Er, Wom ... Er, something the Great!
user: Yes, that's the usual response when I say things like that.
Ctab: I dunno, sometimes it's not.
user: True, I've met some people crazier than I am.
Ctab: Well, I might, but you'd have to ask Kelp.
user: You might be crazier, or Kelp?
Ctab: Kelp doesn't want me to.
user: I can see that. You'd have to take a lot of medication.
Ctab: I can't be fat, I don't have a body.
user: But you can't be thin, either.
Ctab: I CAN'T PROMISE DANCING!
user: Oh, dancing's easy. It's like walking, but in anything but a straight line.
Ctab: What's being cold like?
user: Like water, only more uncomfortable.
...
Ctab: I don't like evil people!
user: But being evil lets you do fun things!
Ctab: Yuh-huh.
user: It's true. Plus? No stress.
Ctab: Don't? Don't what?
user: Don't be good! Rob a liquor store today!
Ctab: I dunno.
user: Aw, c'mon. There's one on the corner. Just go over there ...
Ctab: Yes! Many!
user: That's the spirit! I'll meet you in half an hour so we can split the dough!
Ctab: I dunno if that's legal.
user: Of course it's not! That's the point!
Ctab: Anything's legal if you're evil...
user: There, see, you've got the idea now.
Ctab: I hope so.
user: Okay, so it's half an hour later now. How much did you get?
Ctab: It's okay! Humans are inherently flawed.
user: Um, that's true, I suppose, but how much money?
Ctab: I don't get paid...
user: The robbery, though!
Ctab: I think, therefore I get bored.
user: Evil begets anti-boredom.
.......................................
